Lawn Darts Now Recommended for All Ages to Prevent the Spread of Boredom
100% effective, studies show.
Lawn Darts
A widely accepted prevention and treatment of severe boredom throughout the 1980’s is making a comeback. What happened??? I mean, wtf. They were extremely pretty much safe and effective.
Remember back then? It was the 80’s and there wasn’t ANYTHING to do. No iphones, no Fortnight, no Netflix. All kids had to do for fun was play outside.
Ugh, what a drag.
Boredom was a problem. R0 of the boredom virus = YUGE.
But then there was the roll out of the yard darts.
Yard darts were almost 100% effective in preventing boredom. Well, 96%, I mean 84%, 70%, just kidding, 33%. Never mind.
Actually, everyone ended up being bored.
BUT…yard darts prevented severe boredom. And you probably maybe would not die from them or boredom.
Unfortunately they just shut the yard dart program down.
BAM.
I guess those assholes were allergic to fun.
Wtf.
Ok, ok…there were some concerning safety signals, but whatever.
Lawn dart injuries account for an estimated 675 emergency department visits per year [not even 1000, come on!]. Seventy-six patients are described herein. The victims ranged from 1 to 18 years of age and were predominantly male (male to female ratio is 3.1:1). The most common sites of injury were head (54%)[who needs a head] , eye (17%)[seeing=overrated], and face (11%)[not important]. Hospitalization was required for 54% (41/76) [barely half]of these patients. Sequelae included unilateral blindness and brain damage[at least it wasn’t bilateral]. The case fatality rate was 4%[almost 0%]. The extent of a head injury was not always clinically apparent at the initial presentation and should be promptly defined by computed tomographic scan. Despite the recent ban on the sale of lawn darts, there remain an estimated 10 to 15 million sets of lawn darts in the homes of Americans. Pediatricians should encourage parents to discard all lawn darts.
Did you read that? The case fatality rate was ONLY 4%.
HELLO risk-benefit assessment…
Which is why they are COMING BACK to save us from the Boredemic!! 🙌🏼
Under the FD&C Act, for a
new druglawn dart to be approved for marketing in the United States, FDA 69 must determine that the drug is safe and effective for use under the conditions prescribed, recommended, or suggested in the product’s labeling. 70 11 The demonstration of effectiveness 71 under this standard requires substantial evidence that the drug will have the effect it purports or is represented to have. 72 12, 13 Because alldrugslawn darts can have adverse effects, the demonstration of 73 safety requires a showing that the benefits of the drug outweigh its risks.
Turns out that the old lawn darts were combatting the ancestral boredom. We now have new and improved lawn darts now that are effective against the ancestral boredom AND the new circulating Breakout Boredom Variant.
And do NOT worry about safety. One thing you can be sure about The Science™ is that The Science™ LOVES safe.
So of course, with their top priority (safety) in mind, they used the gold standard, 8 Mouse Study Technique, which has shown 100% efficacy. 100% is ALWAYS compelling in The Science™. Here’s an exciting slide to tell you about it:
By the way, regarding risk/benefit…the benefit of not being bored FAR EXCEEDS the chance of an adverse lawn dart event.
In the EXTREMELY RARE case that you suffer an adverse event, it will be transient. Just like myocarditis. You’ll heal that skull and brain up, and move on…easy peasy. Just like a heart injury.
We are providing guidance that everyone continue to require hatting up for safety, despite our 100% effective Lawn Dart Technology. Nobody’s safe until everyone is.
Using a beanie, toboggan, or ball cap can effectively prevent the transmission of boredom by reducing the boring droplets.
In fact, scientific studies show that hats can also effectively stop the transmission of not only boredom droplets, but also the aerosolized sharp metallic points, making them 189% effective at everything.
One hat is good. Two hats are better. Do your part.
Please continue to check back for recommendations and guidance on how many lawn darts you need to stay protected from boredom.
What’s that? Can you get lawn darts from PfalMart if your primary lawn dart series was from Targderna?
YES! Lawn darts are actually more fun if you mix and match.
And if you want to avoid multiple trips to the store, it’s completely fine to get your lawn darts, throwing axes, and fencing swords all at once. In fact, if we’re lucky, next summer all these fun games will be packaged in one convenient box.
Buh Bye Boredom. It’s like Build Back Better. But betterer.
Wow, you are very impressive with the statistics. Those numbers are right on and I can pay someone to duplicate them! You must have attended Harvard U like Dr/Ms. Rochelle Walensky for a week or two between giving sexual favors to the dean for the fake degree.
Keep up the good work you will be snapped up for a Director position at the CDC, FDA, NIH in no time. Congratulations in advance!
🤗
we didnt have lawn darts so we made do with bamboo javelins, amazingly no one was hurt but the lawn, it gave us some good shoulder muscles tho!